Monday, March 1, 2010


OK, it's been a long time since I have written an @ Random post, and I guess I was waiting for something non-food to come along that would really get me worked up. Well, I think I found it...

That subject, my friends, is the trend of "vajazzling." Apparently, merely shaving, waxing, or dying the lady bits is no longer enough. No, the cool thing to do now is to glue crystals to it...or so the world was told by Jennifer Love Hewitt, who felt the need to tell the world that she does it. And now, apparently, it has become quite the trend to turn your pink taco of love into something resembling a flesh version of Elton John's eyeglasses.

People, I love the bling. I am distracted by shiny, sparkly things as much as anyone. I am the owner of many large rings (yes, that is mine in the picture, and yes, it is real). However, I have never felt the need to take the bedazzler "below the equator" and make myself look like a denim jacket circa 1982.

Really, how the hell does this work in the real world?

What do you do if the crystals start to flake off at a really inopportune time? Do you, sort of like Hansel & Gretel leaving a trail of breadcrumbs through the forest, leave a trail of glitter through your own little forest? And speaking of "special moments," assuming you are rocking the bling during one of them, does it act like pubic Velcro? Think about that one -- do you and your amour become Siamese twins, eternally linked together by a common Brillo pad? Yeah, not so hot.

And while we're on this topic, assuming that the crystals don't flake off (via friction or lack of glue), what really does happen when the sod on the lower forty starts coming in? That can't possibly lead to anything good. Imagine you're at work and it starts to's not like there's any way of dealing with it that is even remotely polite or socially acceptable. "Excuse me, I have to go vajazzled like a month ago... yeah, the berries are falling from the bush, y'know how it is..."

I just want to know how bored the person who came up with this was -- and how did they convince people to pay them to get it done? (And why do I never come up with such profitable ideas?!) If I suggested this to my best friend, he would smack me upside the head! Seriously...did they just have way too many of those little cell phone jewels and entirely too much free time, or what?

Just no. Hell no.

Gigi is willing to do a lot of things, but this is not one of them.

1 comment:

Annette said...

I would say please tell me you're kidding - but somehow I know you are not. Yes, I would smack you upside the head. Yet another reason goes on my list as to why I can't stand Jennifer Love - starting from when I hated her on 'Kid's Incorporated'.